The ticket agent seemed confused. Her eyebrows were getting increasingly furrowed as she peered closer and closer to the computer screen. She had already handed me back my license but I knew she would need it again, so I kept it handy rather than putting it back in my wallet.

“I think you’re going to need this again,” I said gently, handing her my license.

“Oh, you’ve been through this before,” she said. “No wonder you were holding on to your license, you knew I would need it back.” She looked around for one of her colleagues to help her.

“I think you need the form that’s in there,” I said, pointing to a white binder.

And out came the blue ball point pen and the No-Fly Watch List Clearance paperwork. I saw her spelling my name Kahn, so I said, “You’re going to want to correct that. It’s K-h-a-n.” I really can’t help but wonder why they fill these forms out with pen and paper. That seems so 1995. How could it possibly be more efficient than filling out a form on a computer and sending it directly to the Department of Homeland Security to store in a centralized database?

Considering my travel schedule this month, my paperwork alone must be taking up precious binder space since the forms need to stay on file for 30 days. Think of all that paper. Not only does it seem inefficient, but costly, and not very environmentally friendly. I wonder if the Department of Homeland Security has a suggestion box?

Earlier today I tried to print out my boarding pass from the San Francisco office. Judy’s assistant, Gregg, helped me since I was having trouble printing from my laptop. “I need your date of birth and middle name,” he said.

They seem to have changed their interface since Tuesday, when I traveled to San Francisco. I was able to print my boarding pass from home for that flight. Today the website seemed to know I was on the No-Fly Watch List. It displayed a lengthy message about needing additional information and made some mention of the No-Fly Watch List. It asked for my middle name which confused me. I mean, I know my middle name but my license only has my middle initial and my passport has my full middle name, Afzal.

So we entered Afzal. We entered my date of birth. And pressed “Next,” and waited anxiously. And then the familiar error message with the red X popped up. Rats.

“Let’s try again!” I said cheerfully. ‘This time we’ll just add my middle initial.” No luck. Apparently you need to add more than two letters for a middle name, it won’t accept a middle initial but it has to match your government issued identification. So what happens if your government issued identification only has a middle initial? I’ll get back to you on that. In the meantime, I’m going to start carrying my passport around in the event that it helps to use my full middle name.

“How’d you get on the No-Fly Watch List anyway?” Gregg asked. “Have you ever carried a bomb on board?” Very funny.

I knew the drill.  I left the office a little early so I’d have enough time to stand in line at the ticket counter. Once the ticket agent completed her paperwork and got her supervisor to sign off on it, she handed me my boarding pass and informed me that the flight was delayed an hour. “There’s been a Ground Delay Program in effect today,” she said. This sounded like a Program of the Department of Homeland Security so I asked, “What’s a Ground Delay Program?”

“That’s when flights are delayed in taking off and delayed in landing. It’s been happening all day,” she said with a smile. Come on, really? They call that a Program?

I got through security in a jiffy. For one thing they have these fancy Pro-Vision scanners at SFO so they don’t need to pat you down. I also try not to get in line behind men. They slow me down. They’re always carrying this and that in their pockets. Loose change, paper clips, maybe a money clip. So they have to empty all their pockets. And they usually don’t consolidate everything in one pocket. The loose change might be in the front right pocket, so that gets emptied first. Then they might remember that the money clip is in their back left pocket. Then they go through and cause the scanner to beep, so they back up and realize they have some paper clips in their front left pocket. And those have to come out and go through the x-ray machine in a special bin since the rest of their stuff is already on its way through.

Men also tend to wear belts and this takes an extra minute or two to unbuckle, slide through all the belt loops, and place in a bin. I know I shouldn’t single out men for being slow. I know plenty of butch lesbians who wear belts, but I’ve noticed that more and more of them are carrying man purses so they don’t tend to have to search through all their pockets for this, that and the other thing. More men should consider man purses.

The upside to getting to the airport early and getting through the ticket counter and security line with all my traveler time-saving tips is that I have plenty of time to write this blog and enjoy a snack. Plus Jenny just texted me from the grocery store. She needs my recipe for bolognese. She’s kind enough to cook dinner and keep the household running while I hang around airports.

The flight is delayed another hour. Seems that Ground Delay Program is really successful. Forget the snack, I see a bar. I think I’ll have a Scotch. 

 

PS: in case you’re interested in the Bolognese recipe, here’s what I just sent Jenny. File under Surina Khan Cook.

Bolognese

Saute 1 & 1/2 to 2 cups onions in a little olive oil with a pinch of crushed red pepper until lightly browned on medium high heat.

Add 1 lb mild Italian bulk pork sausage and 8 cloves of chopped garlic Saute until pork is browned.

Add 1 to 1 and 1/2  cups red wine. Let it boil a bit.

Add 1 cup heavy cream, 1 8 oz can tomatoes (I like fire-roasted), 1 tablespoon dried oregano, 2 bay leaves, and fresh ground black pepper.

Simmer. Get a glass of wine, go outside, sit on deck, relax. Repeat with several glasses of wine until bolognese is done (this can take up to 2 hours or more, the longer it simmers, the better it tastes), stirring occasionally.

Boil about 8 oz of pasta (I like fettuccine). Drain pasta and mix in with sauce. Let pasta and sauce co-mingle a bit.

Garnish with chopped parsley.

Serve with warm crusty bread and more wine (I suggest an Old Vine Zinfandel).