One of my uncles writes regular commentary for the Pakistani newspapers. Once in a while he will forward his articles and other noteworthy pieces to family and friends. For some reason, I am not on his email list, but Jenny is.

She showed me an email he sent the other day. Apparently it is an actual essay written by a candidate applying to the Pakistani Civil Service (CSS). Although upon further internet research, I noticed that a Bihari candidate applying to the Indian Civil Service supposedly wrote the same essay for his exam. And they say Indians and Pakistanis can’t agree. Or maybe it is a case of plagiarism. Who knows? Maybe it isn’t even real, but it is entertaining. Apparently the Pakistani and Indian candidates, if this is to be believed, wrote their civil service essay exams on the Cow.

Titled simply, “Cow,” it begins, “He is the cow. The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed. And because he is female, he gives milks, [but will do so when he is got child.].” After reading this first part of the essay, I started giggling. I wonder if the writer meant to make the Cow transgender.

“He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.” Afterwards?

“His whole body can be utilized for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [horses don’t have any such attachment].” The taps are attached to his basement? This made me think how my taps are not attached to my basement.

“What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.” I think he meant to write whey, not why.

“Also he is useful to cobbler, water mans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species. Also his other motion. {gober} is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes [like Pizza], in hand, and drying in the sun.” The flatcakes he refers to are dung patties, which are used for fuel for heating and cooking.

“Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating,” Really? What do the other animals do after they eat?

“Then afterwards he chews with his teeth that are situated in the inside of the mouth.” Good to know. What else would the Cow chew with? The writer may be interested to know that I also chew with the teeth inside my mouth.

“He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass,” True enough. The Cows are always in the meadows and the grass.

“His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child.” Is he referring to the transgender Cow again? “This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards,” if I were an editor, I might suggest he rewrite that last sentence.

“He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body here upon he gives hit with it.” Okay seriously. Is this for real?

“The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts. His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.”

The cow. His four taps in his basement are showing.

Clearly, I need to get on my uncle’s mailing list. In the meantime, I decided to check out the CSS website as well as the Indian Civil Services exam requirements.

The Indian essay exam has five general topics that applicants are required to choose from including, “Good fences make good neighbors,” and “Are our traditional handicrafts doomed to a slow death?” Applicants can also choose to write about “Globalism vs. Nationalism,” or “Are we a ‘soft’ state?”

The Pakistani CSS exam offers many more options for essay topics, which include, “Man is Condemned to be Free,” or “Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child,” or “Not Everyone in Chains is Subdued.” Here’s one the makes no sense, “One Today is Worth Two Tomorrows.” The options also include an essay on, “A Living Dog is Better Than a Dead Lion.” My personal favorite topic might be, “All that Glitters is not Gold.” But then I saw an option to write about “Frailty thy Name is Woman.”

This one threw me for a bit of a loop, “There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune.” I have no idea what this means.

One can also write about “Weather Forecasting,” or “Table Manners,” or ‘Sports for Women–Suitable and Unsuitable.” And here’s a particularly appropriate one for many a nation state, “Is Democracy Out of Date?”

Another option is to write about the “Theater of the Absurd,” which is what I feel like I am doing right now.